As you get older, wiser and become more aware of the world, there are certain things in life that begin to remind you of traumatic past events. Past events which have undoubtedly tarnished your soul and haunted your sense of being since the moment that they occurred. It is only after you are reminded of this event that you realise that you can no longer avoid this demon. You must confront it by reflecting on the past and for me, that time has come.
For years, since the early stages of my childhood, I have only ever needed two things; Soma and sex. I have never known or wanted to know anything other. Maybe because I knew that they both helped to lock away my insecurities, provide renewable happiness and sustain my false sense of love for this world. To me, life has become unreal. In fact, I admittedly now realise that I have never felt a sense of belonging in this world. I have always believed and been severely reprimanded that happiness and truth are incompatible. So, in an attempt to gain happiness arose my addiction to wilful self delusion – Soma.
Soma has always been my escape from reality. It’s the only remedy for clouding my demons, blockading reality and strengthening the barrier between me and traumatic past times. Recently, I have come to realise that stepping further and further away from the truth has only caused me to become obsessed with pretending to love the world in which I live. This is where my desire for ongoing sexual activity grew, as well as my pretence in engaging in meaningless erotic play with multiple males. John sees this as being promiscuous, only because I refuse to wait for love. However, to me, it is nothing other than regular social interaction. Nevertheless, my desire for this stems from a dark and alienating moment in my past that I have been in denial about and refused to acknowledge for so long.
It was the horrified look on that dark haired, four year old boy’s face, from the Central London Hatchery and Conditioning Centre, which forced me to revisit a moment in my life which I chose to imagine never happened. Without permission, my mind began to ensure that the incident remained as vivid in my head as the day it occurred.
It was spring time. The daffodils were in full bloom, the sun drowned the garden with light and the sound of little voices ricocheted off the surrounding brick walls. Naked bodies charged through the grass, laughing, screaming – everyone in a world filled with joy and freedom. I took hold of my best friend’s hand as we skipped through the garden, smiling at everyone who we passed on our adventure. It was after this that I was taken; taken from the joy, the fun and the laughter into a world where I was scared and alone.
They lay my naked body down on a cold, hard surface. The light shining above fried my eyes, and I squinted for relief from the brightness of it. Inside me, I felt scared. My heart raced and the fear began to burn the inside of my stomach like acid on skin. Then, someone touched me.
“Now, Lenina, these lovely doctors are just going to play a little game with you, okay? It’s nothing to be afraid of,” reassured the Nurse.
It was their hands that did the work. They invaded my body. Lured, enticed, teased, touched and exploited. Every action was performed by people in white coats who only spoke with their eyes. As cold, metal instruments poked every part of my naked, four year old body, I was motionless. I was like an innocent prisoner and the words within me cried to be released to the world. The white walls encased me like a message inside a bottle. I now realise how I felt; so isolated, so undignified, so helpless. I could not understand how every other child viewed this as ordinary. Now I realise that it was torture; indecent, repugnant torture which had somehow, been assigned to normality.
I vividly remember leaving the room; every part of my tiny body ached with excruciating pain. I trawled across the cobbled pavement, dragging my exhausted body back to the garden where all of my friends were playing happily. I often wondered why none of the other children seemed to have endured the pain I did or suffer the unhappiness I experienced. From this moment onwards, Soma became my best friend. It included me in the world that the other children appeared to be living in, erased my troubles and supplied me with false but convincing happiness. I recall trying so hard to love the world in which I lived, persuading myself that I did by embracing enjoyment in every activity that confronted me. However, it never came naturally and undoubtedly never will.
Ten years later, overpowering desires to love this world still plague my soul. To tame my mind and convince my spirit, I find myself seeking sexual engagement, accepting the values of this world without question and still, using Soma to suppress unwelcome emotions. My regular sexual encounters are the only form of liberation I have in this life. They take me to another world; a world that is sensual, intimate and non-dictating – A world in which I can discover true happiness and feel as though I belong. In this world, I will never belong. My unhappiness will always be veiled by the clouds that Soma creates and my plagued soul will never be allowed to rest until I can express what is truth. Truth and happiness will never be compatible, and neither will myself and this world. All I can do is keep on pretending; pretending to embrace a world which has never truly accepted me as one of its citizens. For me, life will never be ‘real’ and until I can escape from this life I have been given, trying to belong in this world will be like waiting for love; useless and disappointing.
